dasheroy_muffins

So I got an email from the supervisor of the educational houses (which is where I live at school) today... apparently everyone in the house is being charged $50 or more because the house was a wreck when they did their post-quarter inspection.

When I left, I had swept the whole house, and Miranda had made the kitchen absolutely spotless.

Apparently when the inspection happened, there was stuff strewn everywhere, the fridges were still full of food, the electrical devices were still plugged in, and worst, the kitchen had been trashed yet again. There was stuff all over the burners, the floor, everywhere.

So thanks to the lack-of-help from three of our house members in particular, that's at least fifty bucks down the drain. For their fuckups.

I am just.

Why do I live with people like this. This has been a problem all quarter and they kept saying it would get fixed by the time everyone left but obviously that is not true.

I am so considering moving out.

So I signed up to be in a lyrical-style dance for a performance at my school. The guy directing and choreographing the dance performed a bit for us, and it was just so pretty and so my style of lyrical that I had to join, even though I actually don't really have any time. But I realized afterwards, once he sent us a link to the song so we could think about what it means to us, that it's a song called Almost Lover. 

Hm.

I dunno, I feel like a few weeks ago, this would have been the absolute perfect thing for me to pour all my emotions and teen angst into, but currently I'm not feeling too much of those. I think I've sort of broken the dam, so to speak, and all the stuff I've been feeling has finally ebbed away for the most part. But the song is still pretty fitting, and I'm really excited about doing it.

 Okay. Dude #1. I don't want to date you. I'm sorry, I thought I did, but I didn't. We are just too incompatible. You upset me sometimes and don't even seem to realize it, and I just don't think I could live with that. But now I feel awful because you bought us Blue Man Group tickets (while rubbing in "jokingly" how expensive they were) for when I come visit you in Chicago next week, and now I don't know how to turn you down- not that you've ever actually asked me out, of course, but you've made your intentions quite obvious.

And all you people- my friends- who keep telling me how exciting it is that I'm going on a date with Dude #1, that they're so happy for me, that "hey, everyone-else-we-know, isn't it great that muffinsphinx is going out with Dude #1 now?" a. stfu it's none of your business, b. you make me feel worse, because it seems like it's such a rare occurrence that I get asked out that of course it's the most major thing in my life right now, and c. why are you bringing it up in front of ALL of our mutual friends? YOU FUCKER. GO TO HELL.

Dude #2. To reiterate, YOU FUCKER. GO TO HELL. It's not MY fault she doesn't want to date you. She already didn't. The main reason I yelled at you at that party was because she had TOLD me you were making her uncomfortable, and I wanted you to stop. Yes I was jealous and bitter, but that wasn't my main motivation. UNDERSTAND THIS. I did not ruin your life, okay? I'm torn between wanting you to forgive me and knowing that I did nothing fucking wrong.

Girl #1. Stand up for yourself, goddammit. You are part of the reason I'm in this shithole in the first place. You and Dude #2.

Dude #3. You are amazing and magnificent and I am so incredibly glad we are friends and so incredibly sorry we've all put you through so much shit. We've agreed you owe me cookies, but I'm pretty sure I owe you my sanity/as many hugs as you will accept/shittons of Mike's Hards.

Girl #2. Thank you for listening, about the Dude #2 debacle and college and feminism. And for use of your pool. All these things were much appreciated.

Girl #3. Goddammit, I missed you. I wish we could have stayed close during the year, but the second best thing is being close with you again now. But now I'm even more sad you're leaving for the whole summer this Sunday... ):

Girl #4. You actually don't exist, that I know of; you're that imaginary, dream girl that I'd love to snuggle with, or sleep with, or have sex with, or love, or all of the above. Please be out there, somewhere where I can find you. I really don't want to date a guy right now; it's time to take a break from them. If I dated a guy I'd be comparing all the things I've enjoyed about other guys, all the things I hated, and I don't want to compare. I want a new experience, to start over fresh. Please like me.

 I'm applying for a job at my school, to be a "writing consultant." Basically I meet with students and help them write and edit their papers. I'm kind of nervous, because I've never actually held a job before (so lazy) and by the time I start, I'll have had a summer job, but still. I'm excited, though, because I'm one of those people who finds catharsis in editing the hell out of things. So getting paid for that? WIN.

We'll just have to see if the professors I emailed are willing to be my references. Hmm.

And I bought new clothes, and nail polish, and I'm working on art for a friend who might actually pay me for it... this has been a very productive, if rather odd, week.

 God.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

You confuse me so much. There are times where I'm with you, and everything is absolutely perfect. We're friends, that's all we are, that's all I want, that's all we need to be. I feel so close to you. We talk about dumb things, and important things, and I feel okay telling you all of them when I'm laying next to you in your bed, alone in your room with the window open and music playing. I was so scared the first time, I couldn't sleep all night. The next time, I fell asleep with no trouble. It's because I've decided that I don't want to be your girlfriend, so the pressure's off, and my chest doesn't feel like it's in a vice anymore.

But you have a girlfriend. And now I'm starting to feel like I'm hurting her. She's nice, she's so nice, and I don't want her to be hurt. And we've slept in the same bed a few times now, and nothing happened, but last time I just felt guilty when you woke up. 

And what about our friends? They know you have trouble with commitment, they know that last time your ex came up you almost had sex with her, even though you had a girlfriend then too, they know you flirted with my friend from home when she came to visit this weekend despite your girlfriend. I don't know if they know about us. Did you tell them? You might have. And what if you did? They don't know how I feel now. They don't know I'm over you. And even if you didn't... we sleep together now. Every weekend, it seems, one of us spends a night in the other's room. What kind of impression are we leaving on them? I don't want to be judged, even if they know we're not fucking. I'm still sharing some form of intimacy with you, one that should maybe just belong to your girlfriend. 

I wonder if you worry about this, too. You're always the one who suggests it. You asked if you could share the top bunk with me. You asked me to snuggle with you on the couch. You asked if I would take a nap with you on the blanket fort on our floor. You just don't like to be alone, I think. Do you do this with other girls, too? I almost hope so. It hurt a little to see you with my friend from home, spooning all night, but it was somehow reassuring to see you flirt with her almost the same way you flirted with me before (although much more so, since you were actually interested in her). Now she can understand why I was so confused around you. But you always seem to come to me. And that's terrifying somehow. 

What are we doing? Is it okay?

And somewhere, deep down, I'm still wondering what I did wrong. Even though I don't want you- God, I know I don't want you, I'm sorry but it seems like you'd be a much better friend than boyfriend- I still want to know what I did wrong. I feel like whatever happened, it's my fault. I try to tell myself that I'm just not your type, and that neither of us can help that, but... am I nobody's type?

Rejection doesn't sting exactly.
It's sort of an absence of feeling at all, and then a deep but quiet ache.

Quickly followed by crying and hating lots of things and curling up under many layers of blankets with a stuffed animal.
Which I am going to go do now, so good night, all.

EDIT: 
Now it stings a little. It's more embarrassing than anything, really.

 




Sometimes I want to tell you so badly, but I know I can't. And then my heart and my mouth start fighting, and no one ever wins.

 So: anyone here read Red String? It's a romance-based manga you can read for free online here.
If you don't, go read it. It's sappy at times, and cliché at others, but it's still an enjoyable read.


( cut for spoilers and possible triggers (since the trigger is spoilery, I guess I'll mention it under the cut?) )

Interesting things to realize about yourself! And now I understand why warnings on fics are so incredibly necessary. 

In much less depressing news, I got to play with kittens at Petco today! One of them (he might actually have been older than a kitten, he seemed bigger) really liked my rain boots, and kept trying to grab at them. He liked my fingers, too. I had a good time.

I've also discovered my mom's new dog likes chewing on me. It hurts. And it appears that toe socks drive her even crazier. So that's something I'll have to avoid from now on if I want to keep my feet intact. 

I want a kitty. ):

 My Fundamentals of Acting class had a performance today... it wasn't huge, it was just all of us (and some members of another Fundies class) doing our scenes... there were a LOT of audience members, though. Way more than I'd expected. 

And everyone was fabulous. I mean, everyone in my class was better than I'd ever seen them. My partner and I really clicked, too. It was amazing.

I may actually try to do more acting now. I love it. Even the nervousness beforehand.


....Holy shit, is this two happy posts in a row? What's going on here?

Now for more random gifs just to slow down your computer!



EDIT: Been playing L4D2 for a few hours... got literally 10 seconds away from the chopper in Dark Carnival when I got grabbed by a Smoker with everyone else down. OTL Doesn't mean it wasn't excellent, though.

( THINGS I'VE LEARNED NOT TO DO IN L4D(2) )

I solemnly swear that if/when I ever decide to get high and/or drunk, it will be because I want to do it, and not because I am drowning sorrows/ feeling pressured/ feeling dependent.

People are fucking stupid sometimes.