dasheroy_muffins: (pissy sheldon)
 So I was productive today.

I went to class (which was actually the only place I wasn't productive, since I was bored out of my gourd for both classes and spent them drawing instead), then squeezed in some Fullmetal Alchemist with my friend Ian... And then I decided to come home and clean, for whatever reason, so my side of the room/my desk is clean for the first time in... wow, probably about two months.

and here's all the whiny parts of my day, cut for your convenience )
dasheroy_muffins: (vik/joss kiss)
Rejection doesn't sting exactly.
It's sort of an absence of feeling at all, and then a deep but quiet ache.

Quickly followed by crying and hating lots of things and curling up under many layers of blankets with a stuffed animal.
Which I am going to go do now, so good night, all.

EDIT: 
Now it stings a little. It's more embarrassing than anything, really.
dasheroy_muffins: (Default)
 Bad things:
-I am sick and nauseous and tired and too awake and starting my period (LOL SORRY TMI) and just feeling ~bleeeeegh~ in general.
-There were a gazillion dead millipedes (or some kind of bug. Idk but it was fucking horrific) in my little Christmas tree box.
-I have a final for Bio Wednesday night and I haven't really started studying.

Good things:
-At least I don't have a headache.
-Miranda was nice enough to sort through the ornaments and find the ones that weren't dead-bug-infested, even though they squicked her almost as much as they did me. 
-Now we have a cute little Christmas tree in our dorm room!
-After my final is done, and I've turned in a paper I have to write (not even properly write; just edit and enhance), I get to relax until Friday morning, at which point...
-...I get to go home from school for a month. And because I am between classes, I won't have any homework in December, either.
-the new comm [livejournal.com profile] fandomgushing  is awesome and I found a great Doctor Who fic through it.
dasheroy_muffins: (supernatural- dean ewwww)
 So I registered for my winter quarter classes... I only got half the ones I wanted, and had to settle for second and third choices for the other two, but whatever. At least the replacements look reasonably interesting. I'm taking dance choreography, American Music, a class on fantasy and magical realism in fiction, and Chemistry (which is the one I got preregistered into, and the one I really don't want to take).

My roommate and I are rewatching Supernatural season 3... I'd forgotten that early Supernatural is basically all creepy little kids, all the time. And it's also pre-brunette!Ruby and pre-evil bitch!Sam. So it's kind of nostalgic, in a weird way.

I got a rejection letter from Owl City's people... my disappointment is somewhat balanced by the fact that I'd expected to be turned down. At least they were very friendly about it.
dasheroy_muffins: (sam dean mugshots)
I miss high school way more than seems normal.

I wish I had zoology friends at my school. You know, someone I can talk to about my weird animal trivia who won't be bored to tears by it. I haven't met anyone like that at my school.

I went home on Homecoming weekend rather than sticking around. I was a little disappointed because I thought there might have been a dance I missed; but now that I've gotten back, I'm glad I left. I guess all that happened was a lot of partying, and I don't do that.

I have the school part of college down. It's the making-friends not-being-socially-awkward part that I don't get.

I'm running out of bubble wrap and that is very sad.

I'm immensely excited about Halloween this year. I don't even know why. I just love the season- costumes, pumpkins, corn mazes, even haunted houses (although they terrify me to ridiculous amounts). Sadly, I'm pretty sure it's a bad idea to keep a jack-o-lantern in a dorm room, even without the candle; and I've heard college kids don't tend to dress up for Halloween (which is retarded. Who the fuck doesn't like to dress up for Halloween?).

I think I might try not to visit home too often, because coming back to school afterward was awful.

I really don't like my Theatre group. Luckily the rest of the class seems okay, but...

My Creativity class never fails to make me feel better, even if I walk into class feeling like complete shit and just don't want to be there.

I think watching Supernatural Season 4 until one in the morning last night contributed to my general pissiness this morning. Not because I was up too late, but because that show is so depressing at times that it seeps into the rest of my life. I miss when the boys were less angsty.
dasheroy_muffins: (ThinkThinkThink)
 Miranda and I are fighting. We've been fighting for a few days.

She decided she "needed some space" and went to hang out with the guys. And it occurred to me that when she's spending time with them, time away from me, I have absolutely no friends here. No one I can hang out with or talk to or be with.

I kind of hate college.
dasheroy_muffins: (sam dean mugshots)
 So college is weird.
Not going into lots of details... too tired and grouchy for that. But I like the classes. The surrounded-by-peers thing I like less.

Only one person from my high school that I know came to my college... and she's my best friend, and my roommate, and that's cool and all. But... she's the only good friend I have up here. And she's found other friends way more quickly than I have, so I'm not gonna just monopolize all her time just because I suck at meeting new people.

Mostly I follow her around, trying to make friends with people she's friends with. Which is working out as far as the guys are concerned; I like them. They're bizarre, and they decided to nickname me "Hymen" because it kinda sounds like my name, but that's not as bad as it could be. According to Miranda, that's their way of welcoming me into the group. And they taught me how to play Left 4 Dead.

The girls, though, are harder somehow. I guess because with the guys we just hang out and watch movies, whereas the girls take more actual conversation, which I'm terrible at. And a lot of them (and some of the guys too, to be fair) just talk about how wasted they got at  the party they went to last week. Which I knew was going to happen at college, but I didn't expect it as much from a teeny expensive liberal arts college, and not as much from my best friend's new friends. And I have nothing to say about it to them.

 There's nobody I can really go to with problems or worries or freakouts except her, and obviously I'm not going to complain to her all the time because hey, she has a life and worries too.

I just... Fuck, I miss my high school friends so goddamn much. And my parents. It's scary being up here like this. I've never felt this alone.
dasheroy_muffins: (ThinkThinkThink)
I am, first and foremost, a fairly practical person.

Not necessarily in the common-sense department, mind you, but in the emotional department. For instance, if I have a crush on someone but they're already involved, I can ignore it and go about my merry way in peace. Unfortunately, this goes both ways; if someone likes me, then I tend to start thinking that I should like them back. I don't know if this is because it would make all parties happy, or if I just have such low self-esteem that I figure I should take every romantic chance I get. And if there's no one biting at the hook, so to speak, I can deal with that. I can make it be a non-issue.

I can make all sorts of things go away. I can pretend everything's fine, and do it so well that I even convince myself. But sometimes I wish I couldn't ignore things as easily as I do. That I could, for once, be illogical and do something stupid and angry and irresponsible. I can't- I cannot- allow myself to be hateful or rude or cranky without feeling massive amounts of guilt. Because, after all, it doesn't pay to ruin friendships, right? 

But sometimes I wish I could be less of a robot and actually make normal people-type screwups.
dasheroy_muffins: (bitches get stuff done!)
 So my zoology/biology teacher really wanted me to make her something before I graduated, because I've been doodling on all my tests for two years, and she likes my artwork.

So like a dumbfuck, I decide, hey, why don't I make her a stuffed cuttlefish? A cuddlefish, get it? Hurr hurr. I thought it would be cute, and it'd be different than the other things people made her, which were:

-a giant fucking painting based off Georgia O'Keefe, and 
-a giant fucking painting of dinosaurs. <i>Fucking dinosaurs.</i> How could my drawings compete with that? I draw on goddamn computer paper, for God's sake.

So then I realize that tomorrow is really the last day I'll be able to come visit her, because it's finals week starting Wednesday, and there's no way the office will allow visitors (since the seniors (including me) have already left and graduated, and need visitors' passes to come back) to wander around the school during finals week. So I start sewing.

And then I realize: I pretty much suck at making stuffed animals. And besides that, I was wildly optimistic about my abilities and how the thing'll turn out, which is always my problem with projects. So I've only made practice tentacles- not even the real ones- and they pretty much look like shit. 

So my mom tells me, why don't you just make a drawing?

And I realize, that's really all she wanted from me anyway. Why the hell did I decide a stuffed animal would be appropriate?

I think it's just because my stuff will pale in comparison to what she's already gotten, and I like to be a special snowflake.


Fuck.

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December 2011

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