dasheroy_muffins: (doctor who- questioning sexuality)
 Okay. Dude #1. I don't want to date you. I'm sorry, I thought I did, but I didn't. We are just too incompatible. You upset me sometimes and don't even seem to realize it, and I just don't think I could live with that. But now I feel awful because you bought us Blue Man Group tickets (while rubbing in "jokingly" how expensive they were) for when I come visit you in Chicago next week, and now I don't know how to turn you down- not that you've ever actually asked me out, of course, but you've made your intentions quite obvious.

And all you people- my friends- who keep telling me how exciting it is that I'm going on a date with Dude #1, that they're so happy for me, that "hey, everyone-else-we-know, isn't it great that muffinsphinx is going out with Dude #1 now?" a. stfu it's none of your business, b. you make me feel worse, because it seems like it's such a rare occurrence that I get asked out that of course it's the most major thing in my life right now, and c. why are you bringing it up in front of ALL of our mutual friends? YOU FUCKER. GO TO HELL.

Dude #2. To reiterate, YOU FUCKER. GO TO HELL. It's not MY fault she doesn't want to date you. She already didn't. The main reason I yelled at you at that party was because she had TOLD me you were making her uncomfortable, and I wanted you to stop. Yes I was jealous and bitter, but that wasn't my main motivation. UNDERSTAND THIS. I did not ruin your life, okay? I'm torn between wanting you to forgive me and knowing that I did nothing fucking wrong.

Girl #1. Stand up for yourself, goddammit. You are part of the reason I'm in this shithole in the first place. You and Dude #2.

Dude #3. You are amazing and magnificent and I am so incredibly glad we are friends and so incredibly sorry we've all put you through so much shit. We've agreed you owe me cookies, but I'm pretty sure I owe you my sanity/as many hugs as you will accept/shittons of Mike's Hards.

Girl #2. Thank you for listening, about the Dude #2 debacle and college and feminism. And for use of your pool. All these things were much appreciated.

Girl #3. Goddammit, I missed you. I wish we could have stayed close during the year, but the second best thing is being close with you again now. But now I'm even more sad you're leaving for the whole summer this Sunday... ):

Girl #4. You actually don't exist, that I know of; you're that imaginary, dream girl that I'd love to snuggle with, or sleep with, or have sex with, or love, or all of the above. Please be out there, somewhere where I can find you. I really don't want to date a guy right now; it's time to take a break from them. If I dated a guy I'd be comparing all the things I've enjoyed about other guys, all the things I hated, and I don't want to compare. I want a new experience, to start over fresh. Please like me.
dasheroy_muffins: (doctor who- questioning sexuality)
 My grandparents came to visit today. They live in AZ, so I don't see them much. So we talked in the car on the ride home from the airport, about how college is going, and how I was doing, and my new haircut, and whether I'd lost weight (awkward grandparent conversational topics, you know the ones).

Eventually the conversation turned to politics in my state, because my grandparents used to live here and they were curious how our new governor was doing (spoiler alert: he's shitty). But in the middle of this, my grandpa says, "Let's talk about the most important thing!" And he turns to me. "Does my granddaughter have a boyfriend yet?"

Ouch.

So I say, "No. I tried, but it didn't pan out." Which was apparently super funny to them, I dunno, but then I think they felt bad so they started talking about how freshman college boys are dumb anyway, and I wasn't missing anything. So I say, "I'm trying for a girlfriend right now, though." Because it's true, I am looking to date a girl; but this was the first time I'd ever told them I liked girls. 

So there's a bit of an awkward silence- surprisingly short, though!- and my grandpa starts talking about "You look so good now, you're turning out to be a beautiful young woman," which I think was supposed to comfort me since I was apparently so sad and let-down about not getting that boyfriend that I was turning to girls out of desperation. Meanwhile, my grandma asks me, "So have you decided you're gay now, or what?"

I said, "I'm bi."

She nods, pauses, then says, "You sure about that? Because some people go through a phase where..."

"No, Grandma, I'm sure. I've always been bi, I just never really acknowledged or thought about it."

So she's quiet for a moment. Then she comes right back with, "You know, I always suspected you might be. Your mom and I were talking once and-" Now, my mom knows I'm bi, but I doubt she told my grandma. So I'm somewhat at a loss as to the topic of that particular discussion they had. Even ignoring that, though, it was amusing. Although apparently my dad and grandpa didn't think so, because my dad jumped all over my grandma's sentence with "HOW 'BOUT THEM YANKEES?" and he had my grandpa started a very loud and pointed argument about baseball or something.

So I'm like, "Uh... why did you think I liked girls, Grandma?" And she's all, "Well, you just told me you did!" 

"No, Grandma, I mean why did you think I liked girls before I told you?"

"Well, based on the guys you dated..."

"The one guy I dated?"

"Well, you were with him for such a long time, and then you broke up with him. One of the handsomest young men in your class!"

"We didn't break up because I liked girls, Grandma, we broke up because we didn't fit!" I didn't even know I liked girls at the time.

"Well, yes, but-"

At this point, my grandpa and dad got fed up, and sort of yelled at her for prying. Which, I mean, she usually does, so it makes sense that they would assume it was the case here, even though it was mostly me asking why she said it.

Somehow I'd forgotten that my grandparents were insane. And I'm actually kind of more insulted by my grandpa asking if I had a boyfriend yet, like it was super essential that I get one soon (it was "the most important thing" to talk about, after all). Not to mention it was sort of like being kicked in the shins, considering how badly the whole boyfriend-getting process turned out. 
dasheroy_muffins: (vik/joss kiss)
 God.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

You confuse me so much. There are times where I'm with you, and everything is absolutely perfect. We're friends, that's all we are, that's all I want, that's all we need to be. I feel so close to you. We talk about dumb things, and important things, and I feel okay telling you all of them when I'm laying next to you in your bed, alone in your room with the window open and music playing. I was so scared the first time, I couldn't sleep all night. The next time, I fell asleep with no trouble. It's because I've decided that I don't want to be your girlfriend, so the pressure's off, and my chest doesn't feel like it's in a vice anymore.

But you have a girlfriend. And now I'm starting to feel like I'm hurting her. She's nice, she's so nice, and I don't want her to be hurt. And we've slept in the same bed a few times now, and nothing happened, but last time I just felt guilty when you woke up. 

And what about our friends? They know you have trouble with commitment, they know that last time your ex came up you almost had sex with her, even though you had a girlfriend then too, they know you flirted with my friend from home when she came to visit this weekend despite your girlfriend. I don't know if they know about us. Did you tell them? You might have. And what if you did? They don't know how I feel now. They don't know I'm over you. And even if you didn't... we sleep together now. Every weekend, it seems, one of us spends a night in the other's room. What kind of impression are we leaving on them? I don't want to be judged, even if they know we're not fucking. I'm still sharing some form of intimacy with you, one that should maybe just belong to your girlfriend. 

I wonder if you worry about this, too. You're always the one who suggests it. You asked if you could share the top bunk with me. You asked me to snuggle with you on the couch. You asked if I would take a nap with you on the blanket fort on our floor. You just don't like to be alone, I think. Do you do this with other girls, too? I almost hope so. It hurt a little to see you with my friend from home, spooning all night, but it was somehow reassuring to see you flirt with her almost the same way you flirted with me before (although much more so, since you were actually interested in her). Now she can understand why I was so confused around you. But you always seem to come to me. And that's terrifying somehow. 

What are we doing? Is it okay?

And somewhere, deep down, I'm still wondering what I did wrong. Even though I don't want you- God, I know I don't want you, I'm sorry but it seems like you'd be a much better friend than boyfriend- I still want to know what I did wrong. I feel like whatever happened, it's my fault. I try to tell myself that I'm just not your type, and that neither of us can help that, but... am I nobody's type?
dasheroy_muffins: (pissy sheldon)
 So I was productive today.

I went to class (which was actually the only place I wasn't productive, since I was bored out of my gourd for both classes and spent them drawing instead), then squeezed in some Fullmetal Alchemist with my friend Ian... And then I decided to come home and clean, for whatever reason, so my side of the room/my desk is clean for the first time in... wow, probably about two months.

and here's all the whiny parts of my day, cut for your convenience )
dasheroy_muffins: (bitches get stuff done!)
This year has been weird.
during 2010 I did a lot of things )
Progress is being made. This has been a hard year, but things are looking up.
dasheroy_muffins: (Default)
 I figured I ought to spam people's flists with something less bitchy and moany for once. :D

My mom and I moved into a new house, so we've been spending time unpacking there. But anyway, on to the point of the post (if there is one).


music i've been listening to lately and enjoying enormously )

And in conclusion:




dasheroy_muffins: (sam dean mugshots)
 So college is weird.
Not going into lots of details... too tired and grouchy for that. But I like the classes. The surrounded-by-peers thing I like less.

Only one person from my high school that I know came to my college... and she's my best friend, and my roommate, and that's cool and all. But... she's the only good friend I have up here. And she's found other friends way more quickly than I have, so I'm not gonna just monopolize all her time just because I suck at meeting new people.

Mostly I follow her around, trying to make friends with people she's friends with. Which is working out as far as the guys are concerned; I like them. They're bizarre, and they decided to nickname me "Hymen" because it kinda sounds like my name, but that's not as bad as it could be. According to Miranda, that's their way of welcoming me into the group. And they taught me how to play Left 4 Dead.

The girls, though, are harder somehow. I guess because with the guys we just hang out and watch movies, whereas the girls take more actual conversation, which I'm terrible at. And a lot of them (and some of the guys too, to be fair) just talk about how wasted they got at  the party they went to last week. Which I knew was going to happen at college, but I didn't expect it as much from a teeny expensive liberal arts college, and not as much from my best friend's new friends. And I have nothing to say about it to them.

 There's nobody I can really go to with problems or worries or freakouts except her, and obviously I'm not going to complain to her all the time because hey, she has a life and worries too.

I just... Fuck, I miss my high school friends so goddamn much. And my parents. It's scary being up here like this. I've never felt this alone.
dasheroy_muffins: (pissy sheldon)
So my grandpa's  in the hospital right now, for some issues he's having with his gallbladder. He's doing okay right now, but he's been in there for a week or more and they still don't know what to do. No one's decided for sure if he's staying for surgery, or if they're doing it in a few weeks; if he's going to a rehab center to get his balance back, or if he's going straight home; no one knows anything for sure. One doctor will come in and say he's getting the surgery tomorrow; an hour later the surgeon will arrive just to tell us that the surgery's off. They go back and forth countless times every day, and this has been going on for way too long.

My grandma doesn't like to drive, so my mom's been driving her to and from the hospital every day. She leaves early in the morning, and gets home really late. I haven't really seen her at all this week or last. If my grandpa goes straight home without the rehab, she's probably going to stay over there for a few days. It's taking so much out of her; and we were supposed to go camping at an SCA (society for creative anachronism) event this week. She was looking forward to it for weeks, months, and then it all went down the drain. I wan't too upset about missing it, but she was. And she's so worried and frustrated about my grandpa all the time... And she goes back to work in a few weeks.

My dad's been at work every weekday, like usual. He comes home late, too. And I can't go out without them. It's not that they take both cars; my mom's been taking my grandma's car, so her normal car is just sitting in the garage. But like an idiot, I didn't go out and get my full license when I could have, and no I have no opportunity to get it, or to drive. I'm eighteen, going to college, and I have a learner's permit. It's pathetic. 

So for the last few days, I've been sitting at home alone, doing nothing. I've been so bored that laundry is fun now. It's something to do, at least. I wish I could write or draw to pass the time... but I've still got a writer's block and an artist's block. I guess I just have to wait for the right inspiration, but in the meantime I'm going insane.

I miss school. It made me feel like I was doing something worthwhile. At the very least, it gave me things to do.
dasheroy_muffins: (sam dean mugshots)
 Since I always tend to use this lj for bitchin', I figure I might as well use it for something normal and cheerful this time around.
...Not necessarily interesting,  mind you, but still more cheerful.

rants about supernatural )

anyway...

ranting about Ocarina of Time, FFX and X-2, and Portal )

Now for the actually important part: real life!

I'm heading off to college in mid-September. It's a little surreal, thinking about how this place is soon going to be my parents' house, not mine. This room won't really be mine, exactly. It'll just be a room I stay in every so often, that happens to have a lot of my stuff in it. It used to terrify me; I feel like it still would, if I could make myself stop and think about it. But I'm good at ignoring things. There was a defense mechanism for that, making yourself forget things you don't want to think about... we learned about it in psych. It's not repression... wish I could remember the word.

But anyway, I'm for sure rooming with my best friend Miranda; in the dorm building we wanted, no less. We  start later than almost all of my other friends. We haven't even had orientation yet. It's going to be so weird, knowing all our friends are already away at school but us.

In the meantime, I'm trying to regain all the drawing skills I seem to have lost since the end of the school year. For about the last month of high school, I was too tired and stressed and busy to draw; and now that I've finally started drawing again, it looks like I've regressed to the skill set I had in ninth grade. It's enormously frustrating. I know if I work at it constantly, I can get it back to where it was; but it's hard to keep going when everything you see on the page looks like crap. My writing's suffered even more, since I haven't actually written anything good since- wow, March. And that was Phoenix Wright fanfiction.

Ah, well. At least I have something to work on this year, besides classes. I'm taking a first-year seminar on creativity, an evolutionary bio and genetics class with lab, and an intro theatre class (not that I'm actually any good at acting, but I'd like to be, and that's what 100-level classes are for, right?). I'm actually starting to get excited... and that's a big deal, for me.
dasheroy_muffins: (ThinkThinkThink)
I am, first and foremost, a fairly practical person.

Not necessarily in the common-sense department, mind you, but in the emotional department. For instance, if I have a crush on someone but they're already involved, I can ignore it and go about my merry way in peace. Unfortunately, this goes both ways; if someone likes me, then I tend to start thinking that I should like them back. I don't know if this is because it would make all parties happy, or if I just have such low self-esteem that I figure I should take every romantic chance I get. And if there's no one biting at the hook, so to speak, I can deal with that. I can make it be a non-issue.

I can make all sorts of things go away. I can pretend everything's fine, and do it so well that I even convince myself. But sometimes I wish I couldn't ignore things as easily as I do. That I could, for once, be illogical and do something stupid and angry and irresponsible. I can't- I cannot- allow myself to be hateful or rude or cranky without feeling massive amounts of guilt. Because, after all, it doesn't pay to ruin friendships, right? 

But sometimes I wish I could be less of a robot and actually make normal people-type screwups.

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