dasheroy_muffins: (Default)
So I signed up to be in a lyrical-style dance for a performance at my school. The guy directing and choreographing the dance performed a bit for us, and it was just so pretty and so my style of lyrical that I had to join, even though I actually don't really have any time. But I realized afterwards, once he sent us a link to the song so we could think about what it means to us, that it's a song called Almost Lover. 

Hm.

I dunno, I feel like a few weeks ago, this would have been the absolute perfect thing for me to pour all my emotions and teen angst into, but currently I'm not feeling too much of those. I think I've sort of broken the dam, so to speak, and all the stuff I've been feeling has finally ebbed away for the most part. But the song is still pretty fitting, and I'm really excited about doing it.


dasheroy_muffins: (vik/joss kiss)
 I think I might have actually ruined this friendship.

This has been one of the most passionate, and the most short-lived, relationships of my life.

I really hope you will forgive me someday. I miss you terribly, even when I hate you. I love you.

But I really messed it up this time.
dasheroy_muffins: (vik/joss kiss)
 God.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

You confuse me so much. There are times where I'm with you, and everything is absolutely perfect. We're friends, that's all we are, that's all I want, that's all we need to be. I feel so close to you. We talk about dumb things, and important things, and I feel okay telling you all of them when I'm laying next to you in your bed, alone in your room with the window open and music playing. I was so scared the first time, I couldn't sleep all night. The next time, I fell asleep with no trouble. It's because I've decided that I don't want to be your girlfriend, so the pressure's off, and my chest doesn't feel like it's in a vice anymore.

But you have a girlfriend. And now I'm starting to feel like I'm hurting her. She's nice, she's so nice, and I don't want her to be hurt. And we've slept in the same bed a few times now, and nothing happened, but last time I just felt guilty when you woke up. 

And what about our friends? They know you have trouble with commitment, they know that last time your ex came up you almost had sex with her, even though you had a girlfriend then too, they know you flirted with my friend from home when she came to visit this weekend despite your girlfriend. I don't know if they know about us. Did you tell them? You might have. And what if you did? They don't know how I feel now. They don't know I'm over you. And even if you didn't... we sleep together now. Every weekend, it seems, one of us spends a night in the other's room. What kind of impression are we leaving on them? I don't want to be judged, even if they know we're not fucking. I'm still sharing some form of intimacy with you, one that should maybe just belong to your girlfriend. 

I wonder if you worry about this, too. You're always the one who suggests it. You asked if you could share the top bunk with me. You asked me to snuggle with you on the couch. You asked if I would take a nap with you on the blanket fort on our floor. You just don't like to be alone, I think. Do you do this with other girls, too? I almost hope so. It hurt a little to see you with my friend from home, spooning all night, but it was somehow reassuring to see you flirt with her almost the same way you flirted with me before (although much more so, since you were actually interested in her). Now she can understand why I was so confused around you. But you always seem to come to me. And that's terrifying somehow. 

What are we doing? Is it okay?

And somewhere, deep down, I'm still wondering what I did wrong. Even though I don't want you- God, I know I don't want you, I'm sorry but it seems like you'd be a much better friend than boyfriend- I still want to know what I did wrong. I feel like whatever happened, it's my fault. I try to tell myself that I'm just not your type, and that neither of us can help that, but... am I nobody's type?
dasheroy_muffins: (vik/joss kiss)
Rejection doesn't sting exactly.
It's sort of an absence of feeling at all, and then a deep but quiet ache.

Quickly followed by crying and hating lots of things and curling up under many layers of blankets with a stuffed animal.
Which I am going to go do now, so good night, all.

EDIT: 
Now it stings a little. It's more embarrassing than anything, really.

word vomit

Jan. 21st, 2011 01:05 am
dasheroy_muffins: (doctor who- questioning sexuality)
 




Sometimes I want to tell you so badly, but I know I can't. And then my heart and my mouth start fighting, and no one ever wins.
dasheroy_muffins: (ThinkThinkThink)
 Miranda and I are fighting. We've been fighting for a few days.

She decided she "needed some space" and went to hang out with the guys. And it occurred to me that when she's spending time with them, time away from me, I have absolutely no friends here. No one I can hang out with or talk to or be with.

I kind of hate college.
dasheroy_muffins: (ThinkThinkThink)
I am, first and foremost, a fairly practical person.

Not necessarily in the common-sense department, mind you, but in the emotional department. For instance, if I have a crush on someone but they're already involved, I can ignore it and go about my merry way in peace. Unfortunately, this goes both ways; if someone likes me, then I tend to start thinking that I should like them back. I don't know if this is because it would make all parties happy, or if I just have such low self-esteem that I figure I should take every romantic chance I get. And if there's no one biting at the hook, so to speak, I can deal with that. I can make it be a non-issue.

I can make all sorts of things go away. I can pretend everything's fine, and do it so well that I even convince myself. But sometimes I wish I couldn't ignore things as easily as I do. That I could, for once, be illogical and do something stupid and angry and irresponsible. I can't- I cannot- allow myself to be hateful or rude or cranky without feeling massive amounts of guilt. Because, after all, it doesn't pay to ruin friendships, right? 

But sometimes I wish I could be less of a robot and actually make normal people-type screwups.

Chasm

May. 7th, 2008 10:57 pm
dasheroy_muffins: (Default)
It's the new fad that kills
tips of razors, scissors, nails
beggin for a reason
smearing excuses on the walls
the gunshot tears pool on the floor
you slip and fall
and everything goes black
like the coffee you spilled when she left you
I watch you die
a little at a time
I know reaching out is futile
I tried it once
you pushed my hand away
I can't catch you if you jump
pinprick freckles like stars
peel off your face and wander to the sky
as you abandon your shell of flesh
and take the leap
only to discover
you're alone.

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