dasheroy_muffins: (bitches get stuff done!)
So I got an email from the supervisor of the educational houses (which is where I live at school) today... apparently everyone in the house is being charged $50 or more because the house was a wreck when they did their post-quarter inspection.

When I left, I had swept the whole house, and Miranda had made the kitchen absolutely spotless.

Apparently when the inspection happened, there was stuff strewn everywhere, the fridges were still full of food, the electrical devices were still plugged in, and worst, the kitchen had been trashed yet again. There was stuff all over the burners, the floor, everywhere.

So thanks to the lack-of-help from three of our house members in particular, that's at least fifty bucks down the drain. For their fuckups.

I am just.

Why do I live with people like this. This has been a problem all quarter and they kept saying it would get fixed by the time everyone left but obviously that is not true.

I am so considering moving out.
dasheroy_muffins: (Default)
Skyrim can go fuck itself. As can the people who play it obsessively for days, at the expense of their real-world relationships.
dasheroy_muffins: (Default)
I enjoy writing fiction in second-person.

CAN'T BE TAMED
dasheroy_muffins: (Default)
1. all the homestuck fanfic. ALL OF IT.
2. i go back to school on saturday morning... haven't really packed yet. Fuck.
3. caught up on Doctor Who. SPOILERS: EVERYONE IS THE FLESH EVEN ME OMG HOW DRAMATIC
4. my dog bit me right
in
the
boob
and now I'm just hoping I don't get some ridiculous scar or something. Although if I do it'll be kind of great, my pirate name can be Scarboob the Spastic or something.
5.

dasheroy_muffins: (vik/joss kiss)
 I think I might have actually ruined this friendship.

This has been one of the most passionate, and the most short-lived, relationships of my life.

I really hope you will forgive me someday. I miss you terribly, even when I hate you. I love you.

But I really messed it up this time.
dasheroy_muffins: (doctor who- questioning sexuality)
 Okay. Dude #1. I don't want to date you. I'm sorry, I thought I did, but I didn't. We are just too incompatible. You upset me sometimes and don't even seem to realize it, and I just don't think I could live with that. But now I feel awful because you bought us Blue Man Group tickets (while rubbing in "jokingly" how expensive they were) for when I come visit you in Chicago next week, and now I don't know how to turn you down- not that you've ever actually asked me out, of course, but you've made your intentions quite obvious.

And all you people- my friends- who keep telling me how exciting it is that I'm going on a date with Dude #1, that they're so happy for me, that "hey, everyone-else-we-know, isn't it great that muffinsphinx is going out with Dude #1 now?" a. stfu it's none of your business, b. you make me feel worse, because it seems like it's such a rare occurrence that I get asked out that of course it's the most major thing in my life right now, and c. why are you bringing it up in front of ALL of our mutual friends? YOU FUCKER. GO TO HELL.

Dude #2. To reiterate, YOU FUCKER. GO TO HELL. It's not MY fault she doesn't want to date you. She already didn't. The main reason I yelled at you at that party was because she had TOLD me you were making her uncomfortable, and I wanted you to stop. Yes I was jealous and bitter, but that wasn't my main motivation. UNDERSTAND THIS. I did not ruin your life, okay? I'm torn between wanting you to forgive me and knowing that I did nothing fucking wrong.

Girl #1. Stand up for yourself, goddammit. You are part of the reason I'm in this shithole in the first place. You and Dude #2.

Dude #3. You are amazing and magnificent and I am so incredibly glad we are friends and so incredibly sorry we've all put you through so much shit. We've agreed you owe me cookies, but I'm pretty sure I owe you my sanity/as many hugs as you will accept/shittons of Mike's Hards.

Girl #2. Thank you for listening, about the Dude #2 debacle and college and feminism. And for use of your pool. All these things were much appreciated.

Girl #3. Goddammit, I missed you. I wish we could have stayed close during the year, but the second best thing is being close with you again now. But now I'm even more sad you're leaving for the whole summer this Sunday... ):

Girl #4. You actually don't exist, that I know of; you're that imaginary, dream girl that I'd love to snuggle with, or sleep with, or have sex with, or love, or all of the above. Please be out there, somewhere where I can find you. I really don't want to date a guy right now; it's time to take a break from them. If I dated a guy I'd be comparing all the things I've enjoyed about other guys, all the things I hated, and I don't want to compare. I want a new experience, to start over fresh. Please like me.
dasheroy_muffins: (vik/joss kiss)
 Have I misunderstood?

All I did was lean on your shoulder. We never touch, not ever. I tap your arm to get your attention, that's it. But now I leaned on you, maybe out of some misplaced jealousy or pride because He was there and He saw it all. But deep down there is also deep affection.

And now when I'm around you I don't know what to say. What was once effortless, the only easy friendship I had, seems so impossibly hard, and I don't even know what I've done. You don't seem to have changed how you act, and yet somehow...

Somehow I'm sure you hate me.

But I thought... I thought maybe you liked me. And that maybe I liked you.

I guess I don't understand either of us.



I'm getting tired of misunderstanding, of thinking people feel things they don't. I'm tired of feeling misled, and of feeling let down.
dasheroy_muffins: (vik/joss kiss)
 God.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

You confuse me so much. There are times where I'm with you, and everything is absolutely perfect. We're friends, that's all we are, that's all I want, that's all we need to be. I feel so close to you. We talk about dumb things, and important things, and I feel okay telling you all of them when I'm laying next to you in your bed, alone in your room with the window open and music playing. I was so scared the first time, I couldn't sleep all night. The next time, I fell asleep with no trouble. It's because I've decided that I don't want to be your girlfriend, so the pressure's off, and my chest doesn't feel like it's in a vice anymore.

But you have a girlfriend. And now I'm starting to feel like I'm hurting her. She's nice, she's so nice, and I don't want her to be hurt. And we've slept in the same bed a few times now, and nothing happened, but last time I just felt guilty when you woke up. 

And what about our friends? They know you have trouble with commitment, they know that last time your ex came up you almost had sex with her, even though you had a girlfriend then too, they know you flirted with my friend from home when she came to visit this weekend despite your girlfriend. I don't know if they know about us. Did you tell them? You might have. And what if you did? They don't know how I feel now. They don't know I'm over you. And even if you didn't... we sleep together now. Every weekend, it seems, one of us spends a night in the other's room. What kind of impression are we leaving on them? I don't want to be judged, even if they know we're not fucking. I'm still sharing some form of intimacy with you, one that should maybe just belong to your girlfriend. 

I wonder if you worry about this, too. You're always the one who suggests it. You asked if you could share the top bunk with me. You asked me to snuggle with you on the couch. You asked if I would take a nap with you on the blanket fort on our floor. You just don't like to be alone, I think. Do you do this with other girls, too? I almost hope so. It hurt a little to see you with my friend from home, spooning all night, but it was somehow reassuring to see you flirt with her almost the same way you flirted with me before (although much more so, since you were actually interested in her). Now she can understand why I was so confused around you. But you always seem to come to me. And that's terrifying somehow. 

What are we doing? Is it okay?

And somewhere, deep down, I'm still wondering what I did wrong. Even though I don't want you- God, I know I don't want you, I'm sorry but it seems like you'd be a much better friend than boyfriend- I still want to know what I did wrong. I feel like whatever happened, it's my fault. I try to tell myself that I'm just not your type, and that neither of us can help that, but... am I nobody's type?
dasheroy_muffins: (vik/joss kiss)
Rejection doesn't sting exactly.
It's sort of an absence of feeling at all, and then a deep but quiet ache.

Quickly followed by crying and hating lots of things and curling up under many layers of blankets with a stuffed animal.
Which I am going to go do now, so good night, all.

EDIT: 
Now it stings a little. It's more embarrassing than anything, really.
dasheroy_muffins: (pissy sheldon)
 People need to quit asking me to make art for them right now. Srsly.

I have had multiple people demand more of Miranda and my webcomic, people demanding that I finish art wishes for them (which to be fair, they were supposed to be Christmas wishes... for 2009. But this is the worst possible time to ask for it), people asking me to draw for THEIR comics, people WHORING ME OUT (so to speak) TO OTHER COMIC AUTHORS WHO MAY NEED WRITERS. All on top of the fact that I am already working on a project for MIRA, a migrant workers' group. Not to mention my school work, which is- believe it or not- sort of important.

One of them, when I confronted him, even explained how helpful he was being to me. Artists take what they can get, he said. They grab jobs whenever they can and are grateful for them, he said. It's good publicity, he said.

AM I BEING AN ARTIST RIGHT NOW?
IS MY LIFE CURRENTLY DEVOTED TO MAKING A LIVING OFF MY ARTWORK?
AND ALSO

AM I BEING PAID FOR ANY OF THIS GODDAMN WORK?

NO.
SO STOP GODDAMN ASKING YOU DIRTY DIRTY DEMANDING DIMWITS.

I HAVE A FUCKTON OF ACTUAL WORK TO DO RIGHT NOW.

-this is not directed at any of the people who might read this, just the silly people IRL-

word vomit

Jan. 21st, 2011 01:05 am
dasheroy_muffins: (doctor who- questioning sexuality)
 




Sometimes I want to tell you so badly, but I know I can't. And then my heart and my mouth start fighting, and no one ever wins.
dasheroy_muffins: (bitches get stuff done!)
I solemnly swear that if/when I ever decide to get high and/or drunk, it will be because I want to do it, and not because I am drowning sorrows/ feeling pressured/ feeling dependent.

People are fucking stupid sometimes. 
dasheroy_muffins: (supernatural- dean ewwww)
 So.
First college party was tonight. My first, I mean, not the first that happened...

It was not quite what I expected. Mostly it was very boring.

There were a ton of people- I mean a ton, there were people crowding in wall to wall three floors deep- in varying degrees of intoxication. Most people had Halloween costumes; fewer of them were slutty than I expected, which was a nice surprise. But really, all I saw there was drinking and talking and laughing, and some bump-n-grinding. Nothing that really called to me as being worth doing every weekend.

Maybe it's because I was sober. 

Luckily there was someone else in our friend group who doesn't drink, and I spent the night talking with him. But still. I'm glad I went once, but I'm not sure I'll want to do it again.

And now for the real highlight of my night: LEFT 4 DEAD, recently purchased on Mac. Although I have to wait for it to finish installing, which might take another half-hour or so. But whatever. LEFT 4 DEAD.
dasheroy_muffins: (bitches get stuff done!)
 So my zoology/biology teacher really wanted me to make her something before I graduated, because I've been doodling on all my tests for two years, and she likes my artwork.

So like a dumbfuck, I decide, hey, why don't I make her a stuffed cuttlefish? A cuddlefish, get it? Hurr hurr. I thought it would be cute, and it'd be different than the other things people made her, which were:

-a giant fucking painting based off Georgia O'Keefe, and 
-a giant fucking painting of dinosaurs. <i>Fucking dinosaurs.</i> How could my drawings compete with that? I draw on goddamn computer paper, for God's sake.

So then I realize that tomorrow is really the last day I'll be able to come visit her, because it's finals week starting Wednesday, and there's no way the office will allow visitors (since the seniors (including me) have already left and graduated, and need visitors' passes to come back) to wander around the school during finals week. So I start sewing.

And then I realize: I pretty much suck at making stuffed animals. And besides that, I was wildly optimistic about my abilities and how the thing'll turn out, which is always my problem with projects. So I've only made practice tentacles- not even the real ones- and they pretty much look like shit. 

So my mom tells me, why don't you just make a drawing?

And I realize, that's really all she wanted from me anyway. Why the hell did I decide a stuffed animal would be appropriate?

I think it's just because my stuff will pale in comparison to what she's already gotten, and I like to be a special snowflake.


Fuck.
dasheroy_muffins: (ma-rly)
 ...how bad of an idea would it be to show up at my prom date's house, with my hair and makeup done all nicely and my dress on, acting like a velociraptor?

I'm seriously contemplating doing exactly that, which means that I'm definitely going off the deep end.
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