dasheroy_muffins: (vik/joss kiss)
 I think I might have actually ruined this friendship.

This has been one of the most passionate, and the most short-lived, relationships of my life.

I really hope you will forgive me someday. I miss you terribly, even when I hate you. I love you.

But I really messed it up this time.
dasheroy_muffins: (doctor who- questioning sexuality)
 Okay. Dude #1. I don't want to date you. I'm sorry, I thought I did, but I didn't. We are just too incompatible. You upset me sometimes and don't even seem to realize it, and I just don't think I could live with that. But now I feel awful because you bought us Blue Man Group tickets (while rubbing in "jokingly" how expensive they were) for when I come visit you in Chicago next week, and now I don't know how to turn you down- not that you've ever actually asked me out, of course, but you've made your intentions quite obvious.

And all you people- my friends- who keep telling me how exciting it is that I'm going on a date with Dude #1, that they're so happy for me, that "hey, everyone-else-we-know, isn't it great that muffinsphinx is going out with Dude #1 now?" a. stfu it's none of your business, b. you make me feel worse, because it seems like it's such a rare occurrence that I get asked out that of course it's the most major thing in my life right now, and c. why are you bringing it up in front of ALL of our mutual friends? YOU FUCKER. GO TO HELL.

Dude #2. To reiterate, YOU FUCKER. GO TO HELL. It's not MY fault she doesn't want to date you. She already didn't. The main reason I yelled at you at that party was because she had TOLD me you were making her uncomfortable, and I wanted you to stop. Yes I was jealous and bitter, but that wasn't my main motivation. UNDERSTAND THIS. I did not ruin your life, okay? I'm torn between wanting you to forgive me and knowing that I did nothing fucking wrong.

Girl #1. Stand up for yourself, goddammit. You are part of the reason I'm in this shithole in the first place. You and Dude #2.

Dude #3. You are amazing and magnificent and I am so incredibly glad we are friends and so incredibly sorry we've all put you through so much shit. We've agreed you owe me cookies, but I'm pretty sure I owe you my sanity/as many hugs as you will accept/shittons of Mike's Hards.

Girl #2. Thank you for listening, about the Dude #2 debacle and college and feminism. And for use of your pool. All these things were much appreciated.

Girl #3. Goddammit, I missed you. I wish we could have stayed close during the year, but the second best thing is being close with you again now. But now I'm even more sad you're leaving for the whole summer this Sunday... ):

Girl #4. You actually don't exist, that I know of; you're that imaginary, dream girl that I'd love to snuggle with, or sleep with, or have sex with, or love, or all of the above. Please be out there, somewhere where I can find you. I really don't want to date a guy right now; it's time to take a break from them. If I dated a guy I'd be comparing all the things I've enjoyed about other guys, all the things I hated, and I don't want to compare. I want a new experience, to start over fresh. Please like me.
dasheroy_muffins: (vik/joss kiss)
 Can I be not in love with anyone ever please? I have never found it worthwhile. I just get obnoxiously jealous and it hurts when I see them fall in love with other people. Even if mentally I want to be happy for them, I can't be, and it kills me...
dasheroy_muffins: (vik/joss kiss)
 I feel like a Witch from Left 4 Dead. Lots of crying, lots of sobbing and misery, but if you try to come near me I will claw you to pieces.
dasheroy_muffins: (doctor who- questioning sexuality)
 My grandparents came to visit today. They live in AZ, so I don't see them much. So we talked in the car on the ride home from the airport, about how college is going, and how I was doing, and my new haircut, and whether I'd lost weight (awkward grandparent conversational topics, you know the ones).

Eventually the conversation turned to politics in my state, because my grandparents used to live here and they were curious how our new governor was doing (spoiler alert: he's shitty). But in the middle of this, my grandpa says, "Let's talk about the most important thing!" And he turns to me. "Does my granddaughter have a boyfriend yet?"

Ouch.

So I say, "No. I tried, but it didn't pan out." Which was apparently super funny to them, I dunno, but then I think they felt bad so they started talking about how freshman college boys are dumb anyway, and I wasn't missing anything. So I say, "I'm trying for a girlfriend right now, though." Because it's true, I am looking to date a girl; but this was the first time I'd ever told them I liked girls. 

So there's a bit of an awkward silence- surprisingly short, though!- and my grandpa starts talking about "You look so good now, you're turning out to be a beautiful young woman," which I think was supposed to comfort me since I was apparently so sad and let-down about not getting that boyfriend that I was turning to girls out of desperation. Meanwhile, my grandma asks me, "So have you decided you're gay now, or what?"

I said, "I'm bi."

She nods, pauses, then says, "You sure about that? Because some people go through a phase where..."

"No, Grandma, I'm sure. I've always been bi, I just never really acknowledged or thought about it."

So she's quiet for a moment. Then she comes right back with, "You know, I always suspected you might be. Your mom and I were talking once and-" Now, my mom knows I'm bi, but I doubt she told my grandma. So I'm somewhat at a loss as to the topic of that particular discussion they had. Even ignoring that, though, it was amusing. Although apparently my dad and grandpa didn't think so, because my dad jumped all over my grandma's sentence with "HOW 'BOUT THEM YANKEES?" and he had my grandpa started a very loud and pointed argument about baseball or something.

So I'm like, "Uh... why did you think I liked girls, Grandma?" And she's all, "Well, you just told me you did!" 

"No, Grandma, I mean why did you think I liked girls before I told you?"

"Well, based on the guys you dated..."

"The one guy I dated?"

"Well, you were with him for such a long time, and then you broke up with him. One of the handsomest young men in your class!"

"We didn't break up because I liked girls, Grandma, we broke up because we didn't fit!" I didn't even know I liked girls at the time.

"Well, yes, but-"

At this point, my grandpa and dad got fed up, and sort of yelled at her for prying. Which, I mean, she usually does, so it makes sense that they would assume it was the case here, even though it was mostly me asking why she said it.

Somehow I'd forgotten that my grandparents were insane. And I'm actually kind of more insulted by my grandpa asking if I had a boyfriend yet, like it was super essential that I get one soon (it was "the most important thing" to talk about, after all). Not to mention it was sort of like being kicked in the shins, considering how badly the whole boyfriend-getting process turned out. 
dasheroy_muffins: (vik/joss kiss)
 Have I misunderstood?

All I did was lean on your shoulder. We never touch, not ever. I tap your arm to get your attention, that's it. But now I leaned on you, maybe out of some misplaced jealousy or pride because He was there and He saw it all. But deep down there is also deep affection.

And now when I'm around you I don't know what to say. What was once effortless, the only easy friendship I had, seems so impossibly hard, and I don't even know what I've done. You don't seem to have changed how you act, and yet somehow...

Somehow I'm sure you hate me.

But I thought... I thought maybe you liked me. And that maybe I liked you.

I guess I don't understand either of us.



I'm getting tired of misunderstanding, of thinking people feel things they don't. I'm tired of feeling misled, and of feeling let down.
dasheroy_muffins: (bitches get stuff done!)
 I'm applying for a job at my school, to be a "writing consultant." Basically I meet with students and help them write and edit their papers. I'm kind of nervous, because I've never actually held a job before (so lazy) and by the time I start, I'll have had a summer job, but still. I'm excited, though, because I'm one of those people who finds catharsis in editing the hell out of things. So getting paid for that? WIN.

We'll just have to see if the professors I emailed are willing to be my references. Hmm.

And I bought new clothes, and nail polish, and I'm working on art for a friend who might actually pay me for it... this has been a very productive, if rather odd, week.
dasheroy_muffins: (TTGL yoko/kamina HERP DERP)
 Oh, spring break is going well. :D

I purchased Gurren Lagann on DVD (after like 32198623854 tries to get a gift card to work, I finally just gave up and paid with my debit card, but whatever, I will own it in 5-8 days), as well as the dorkiest piece of jewelry I will ever own: a replica core drill, like the one Simon wears. Derp derp.

I've also been able to get away from all my college friends... they're all on a trip up north. I was invited, but turned it down after some thought. I really (really, really) needed a break from them for a while. Plus I don't really want to be getting drunk every night, and that's pretty much the whole point of the trip, so. 

Since I'm not doing that, my week will hopefully be filled with high school friends/lots of TV/hanging with my mom and dad/seeing family/vidjamagames/catching up on the mountains of art I need to do.
dasheroy_muffins: (vik/joss kiss)
 God.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

You confuse me so much. There are times where I'm with you, and everything is absolutely perfect. We're friends, that's all we are, that's all I want, that's all we need to be. I feel so close to you. We talk about dumb things, and important things, and I feel okay telling you all of them when I'm laying next to you in your bed, alone in your room with the window open and music playing. I was so scared the first time, I couldn't sleep all night. The next time, I fell asleep with no trouble. It's because I've decided that I don't want to be your girlfriend, so the pressure's off, and my chest doesn't feel like it's in a vice anymore.

But you have a girlfriend. And now I'm starting to feel like I'm hurting her. She's nice, she's so nice, and I don't want her to be hurt. And we've slept in the same bed a few times now, and nothing happened, but last time I just felt guilty when you woke up. 

And what about our friends? They know you have trouble with commitment, they know that last time your ex came up you almost had sex with her, even though you had a girlfriend then too, they know you flirted with my friend from home when she came to visit this weekend despite your girlfriend. I don't know if they know about us. Did you tell them? You might have. And what if you did? They don't know how I feel now. They don't know I'm over you. And even if you didn't... we sleep together now. Every weekend, it seems, one of us spends a night in the other's room. What kind of impression are we leaving on them? I don't want to be judged, even if they know we're not fucking. I'm still sharing some form of intimacy with you, one that should maybe just belong to your girlfriend. 

I wonder if you worry about this, too. You're always the one who suggests it. You asked if you could share the top bunk with me. You asked me to snuggle with you on the couch. You asked if I would take a nap with you on the blanket fort on our floor. You just don't like to be alone, I think. Do you do this with other girls, too? I almost hope so. It hurt a little to see you with my friend from home, spooning all night, but it was somehow reassuring to see you flirt with her almost the same way you flirted with me before (although much more so, since you were actually interested in her). Now she can understand why I was so confused around you. But you always seem to come to me. And that's terrifying somehow. 

What are we doing? Is it okay?

And somewhere, deep down, I'm still wondering what I did wrong. Even though I don't want you- God, I know I don't want you, I'm sorry but it seems like you'd be a much better friend than boyfriend- I still want to know what I did wrong. I feel like whatever happened, it's my fault. I try to tell myself that I'm just not your type, and that neither of us can help that, but... am I nobody's type?
dasheroy_muffins: (pissy sheldon)
 So I was productive today.

I went to class (which was actually the only place I wasn't productive, since I was bored out of my gourd for both classes and spent them drawing instead), then squeezed in some Fullmetal Alchemist with my friend Ian... And then I decided to come home and clean, for whatever reason, so my side of the room/my desk is clean for the first time in... wow, probably about two months.

and here's all the whiny parts of my day, cut for your convenience )
dasheroy_muffins: (doctor who- questioning sexuality)
 WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?


fuck.
dasheroy_muffins: (vik/joss kiss)
Rejection doesn't sting exactly.
It's sort of an absence of feeling at all, and then a deep but quiet ache.

Quickly followed by crying and hating lots of things and curling up under many layers of blankets with a stuffed animal.
Which I am going to go do now, so good night, all.

EDIT: 
Now it stings a little. It's more embarrassing than anything, really.
dasheroy_muffins: (pissy sheldon)
 People need to quit asking me to make art for them right now. Srsly.

I have had multiple people demand more of Miranda and my webcomic, people demanding that I finish art wishes for them (which to be fair, they were supposed to be Christmas wishes... for 2009. But this is the worst possible time to ask for it), people asking me to draw for THEIR comics, people WHORING ME OUT (so to speak) TO OTHER COMIC AUTHORS WHO MAY NEED WRITERS. All on top of the fact that I am already working on a project for MIRA, a migrant workers' group. Not to mention my school work, which is- believe it or not- sort of important.

One of them, when I confronted him, even explained how helpful he was being to me. Artists take what they can get, he said. They grab jobs whenever they can and are grateful for them, he said. It's good publicity, he said.

AM I BEING AN ARTIST RIGHT NOW?
IS MY LIFE CURRENTLY DEVOTED TO MAKING A LIVING OFF MY ARTWORK?
AND ALSO

AM I BEING PAID FOR ANY OF THIS GODDAMN WORK?

NO.
SO STOP GODDAMN ASKING YOU DIRTY DIRTY DEMANDING DIMWITS.

I HAVE A FUCKTON OF ACTUAL WORK TO DO RIGHT NOW.

-this is not directed at any of the people who might read this, just the silly people IRL-
dasheroy_muffins: (shortpacked! ethan gay)
 Again with the up-all-night-doing-homework...

Dude, just saw the trailer for She's The Man. Is it just me, or is Amanda Bynes kind of attractive in drag with short hair?

...what the hell, self.

word vomit

Jan. 21st, 2011 01:05 am
dasheroy_muffins: (doctor who- questioning sexuality)
 




Sometimes I want to tell you so badly, but I know I can't. And then my heart and my mouth start fighting, and no one ever wins.
dasheroy_muffins: (doctor who- questioning sexuality)
 arghd;lkhdtegs;dsasjhdfgdasdfg
BOYS
CONFUSING ARE THEY
CONFUSED AM I
AND ALSO GIDDY
dasheroy_muffins: (bitches get stuff done!)
This year has been weird.
during 2010 I did a lot of things )
Progress is being made. This has been a hard year, but things are looking up.
dasheroy_muffins: (Default)
 I figured I ought to spam people's flists with something less bitchy and moany for once. :D

My mom and I moved into a new house, so we've been spending time unpacking there. But anyway, on to the point of the post (if there is one).


music i've been listening to lately and enjoying enormously )

And in conclusion:




dasheroy_muffins: (Default)
 So: anyone here read Red String? It's a romance-based manga you can read for free online here.
If you don't, go read it. It's sappy at times, and cliché at others, but it's still an enjoyable read.


cut for spoilers and possible triggers (since the trigger is spoilery, I guess I'll mention it under the cut?) )

Interesting things to realize about yourself! And now I understand why warnings on fics are so incredibly necessary. 

In much less depressing news, I got to play with kittens at Petco today! One of them (he might actually have been older than a kitten, he seemed bigger) really liked my rain boots, and kept trying to grab at them. He liked my fingers, too. I had a good time.

I've also discovered my mom's new dog likes chewing on me. It hurts. And it appears that toe socks drive her even crazier. So that's something I'll have to avoid from now on if I want to keep my feet intact. 

I want a kitty. ):

dasheroy_muffins: (Default)
 Bad things:
-I am sick and nauseous and tired and too awake and starting my period (LOL SORRY TMI) and just feeling ~bleeeeegh~ in general.
-There were a gazillion dead millipedes (or some kind of bug. Idk but it was fucking horrific) in my little Christmas tree box.
-I have a final for Bio Wednesday night and I haven't really started studying.

Good things:
-At least I don't have a headache.
-Miranda was nice enough to sort through the ornaments and find the ones that weren't dead-bug-infested, even though they squicked her almost as much as they did me. 
-Now we have a cute little Christmas tree in our dorm room!
-After my final is done, and I've turned in a paper I have to write (not even properly write; just edit and enhance), I get to relax until Friday morning, at which point...
-...I get to go home from school for a month. And because I am between classes, I won't have any homework in December, either.
-the new comm [livejournal.com profile] fandomgushing  is awesome and I found a great Doctor Who fic through it.
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